9:56 am | 07 July 2003 | i break things

When my father said i wasn't his daughter and i left his house, i didn't take very much with me: just books, a few cds, the box full of dead dogs' tags, and a few of my toy horses.

The chestnut Morgan is staring at me as i type this from the bookshelf in my office, peering out from between a pail of red paint and a copy of Designing Successful Transitions: Orienting Students to College. At home, the Black Stallion is standing on my desk, ears pricked, one hoof lifted, tail swept by an invisible wind, with little worn spots on his withers from where i used to pretend to curry him with cut-up squares from a discarded washcloth. Tiny plastic Seabiscuit (a model of the racehorse who pulled an against-all-odds coup of the racing world in 1937-1940...i have a special spot for underdogs) stands atop a wide-edged painting in my living room. And, until this morning, craggy old Ben, the carved wooden garage-sale find, had stood next to sweet little ceramic Paulina on the low bookshelf nearest the door.

But in the everymorning rush & scramble to get the dog out the door, in the flurry of do-i-have-a-plastic-bag-my-keys-and-where-is-the-umbrella, Ben fell over and knocked Paulina to the floor. She spun and shattered, her face splitting laterally, three legs sweeping across the wooden floor to various regions of the living room, her muzzle gone to parts unknown. I had loved Paulina the best, had had her since i was six or so. She wasn't the most detailed of them, but had the kindest dark eyes & a delicate expression. i used to stare at her for hours. one christmas i was holed up in my bedroom with nothing on but a string of blue christmas lights and Paulina on the windowsill against the wallpaper of the winter night stars and i stared at her for hours, unable to put my finger on anything in my world, just looking at her dark eyes. This may sound silly. Well, life is silly. I found solace in a ceramic horse. So sue me.

Paulina broke this morning, broke irreparably. i'm glad that it's raining. clm.