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2:20 pm | 04 January 2005 | no networks, no nukes, not notcakes

anyone who knows me more than 15%* also knows that i hate los angeles--i drive 30 miles to work and and 30 miles home every day just so i don't have to dwell in this godforsaken city. but, darlings, it's not the usual LA-hater fodder that's got me so anti-angels. i happen to love siliconey boobies, fake tans, collagen lips, vaginaplasty, anorexia, cheesy guys, dental veneers, and socially-assumed brain damage.** no kids, what i hate is "networking."

angelenos need to network like scary scary sharks need to violently kill hapless swimmers: it's in their bloodstream. every goddamn time i go to an art opening or show, i meet eleven fuckers who are all "you HAVE to meet lavenetia, she knows malkovitch's cobbler, maybe he can put your headshot into his prada loafers next time they are getting re-soled. do you know any model agents?" EAT IT, wangmasters!! why not worry more about being COOL and being my PAL, and not about how I have mad connections in the whatever world? and why not eat something solid while you're at it, you coke-nosed hag-whore? i am talking to you, lindsey lohan.

everybody knows that to get along especially in the art/creative fields, you have to know someone who knows someone who owns some shit or once fucked bono or whatever. even that chrome-domed tool, billy corgan, once said "love: it's who you know." i am known and loved by literally tens of people***, and most of us are trying to help out/hook up our friends and ourselves with situations or people that can help us all get farther as a culture. this kind of networking is ok, because i would hate to get famous and rich and then have to hang out with mischa "miss teen platterface" barton, because she's the intellectual equivalent of an empty hairspray can; it's necessary that you, my friends, also become incredibly wealthy and popular so that i have a posse when i go to the standard hotel and take a crap on the mies van der rohe.

what i HATE HATE HATE, though, are the people that don't like you, and you don't like them, but who maintain this retardo "friendship"-en-plastique for the purposes of "someday she might be useful," like i am a food mammal or something. if you are only emailing me about your stupid band's stupid show that is on EVERY MONTH at the same bar****, and not just to say "hey dude, what's up, i like your hair" then you can fuck right off chap. some bitches i know be promotin' like they ass don't pay they bills, and to those motherdongers, i am unFriendstering you right motherfucking now. DING!

. . . . .

*and it's entirely up to you to figure out what a human "percent" is
**if you believe THIS then you know me less than 15%
***come on, i have like six fan clubs. i'm bigger than duran duran circa 1986
****not that i'm not at the bar all the time anyway, just not for your dumb band

new year, new look, same old shit.
new comics up at UDvCLM.

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