3:59 pm | 05 May 2004 | whiplash mascara

File under 'obvious'

Oh, for Christ's sake, MSN, you done did it again. Okay. You know how when you log into your crap-addled, herky-jerky, non-operational Hotmail, how there are those little "teaser" links to relevant "news" stories. RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER are the em-effing FOLLOWING:

Why Teens Cut Themselves
Gossip: Gwyneth Gorges

Well HUH! Let me THINK ABOUT THAT ONE! Could it possibly, perhapsly, wildguessingly, left-fieldingly be that TEENS WHO CUT THEMSELVES (something like 95% girls, too, btw) do it because they are all disconnected from their bodies and depressed and shit because of the CONSTANT PRESSURE TO BE PERFECT espoused by the media to such an extent that "the only time a female celeb is allowed to indulge her inner junk food junkie and gain a few pounds without incurring the wrath of the diet police is when she's in the family way," as this trite little nugget so bellicosely advises us? BAH! I intended a longer rant but I have to go get donuts now.

Pet peeve #972

Have I mentioned that few things enrage me like waiting on computers? Seriously? When both Explorer ("stormyclaude, please sign in to your Hotmail account about 65 times") and Safari ("claudelemonde, you must log in again to log in!") are showing Stonehenge-end technology, and i'm just tapping my tunnelled carpals on the desktop watching the little OSX whirly-bird thing (no hourglasses here) go around and around, it's about all i can do not to...what's the theme for today?...DESTROY!!!

Something actually informative, for once

The same MSN (to which i now return obsessively, waiting for those emails that WILL NOT COME, and no wonder, i'm so long-gone from the virtual world) has noted that the actor who plays Spike on Buffy has apparently shaven his head or something, which i don't care about in the least, but in the photo: dood!!! He is looking HAGGARD! I used to sort of semi-crush on his Billy Idolatrous insouciance, but now, no way, unless i needed to store fistfuls of loose candy in his gaunt face-pockets, in which case maybe.

Stomach roiling

Motherfuckers i had the WORST salad for lunch. Why is deli salad always a semi-good idea, sort of foggy and crisp-seeming in its little plastic container, and then the second you fork over the $2.85 the carrots turn to tindery pulp, the cucumber disks get that translucent rottery look, and the lettuce has polarized into white (shards of iceberg cardboard) and green (the limp, faggy fronds that sort of adhere mildewishly to said container). This was the case again today, so lunch was, pretty much, donuts, although they were fluffy with crisp edges, fresh fillings, and just-congealed-enough chocolate topping, so thank you very much, fine owners of Miss Donut: you done good.

It is Cinco de Mayo, which i am delighted to mistranslate "Drink a fifth and then eat something with mayonnaise," and which directive I am more than happy to oblige. Ol�! clm.