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2:11 pm | 30 September 2004 | the Z.A.P.


Well, we all know that the time of a Zombie Event is surely drawing near. All this bullshit about the Rapture and Y2K and whatnot was total crap, but zombies are a very real threat that we should be taking seriously. Not to worry, though. I have formulated an extremely rational and advanced Zombie Action Plan (ZAP©) for the Long Beach California area only, but even if you live in another area, you can take some notes off this shit. Let me know if you need survival ideas.

FIRST: Remain calm. Grab a bat, stick, pike, etc. (I have an old crutch by my back door, which is both utilitarian and deadly). Also bring any booze you may have. The preliminary meeting place is the Amabassador, apartment building of Timoculus, which has the decided advantages of being large, central, square, inaccessible to the undead, and flat. We'll meet up on the roof of that shit (approx. 900 E. 1st St., barricading all entrances and exits with burning rubble (and other advantage: lots of dumpsters perpetually full of like furniture and shit located in close proximity). I recommend that everyone rides bikes to get there, since all our bikes are extremely fast and shit. When everyone is accounted for, we will pile into one of those gay purple Pine Street buses (don't worry; I will take care of hijacking that shit) and head to the marina a mile away.

I know you are all "wait, what? The marina?" but shove it, the ZAP© doesn't need your stupid ideas. Because here is the genius. What's at the marina? Why, all kinds of badass boats whose owners, being crotchety, socks-off-loafers-on old bastards, will by then be (un)dead and therefore have no use for boats. So we're takin' em. Why? Because boats are cool! And because...

A half-mile off the coast, at roughly 1900 east, are those crazy little oil islands. What's on those islands? Well, a full supply of EVERYTHING for the oil guys who work there, and also: OIL. Oil that we can, after landing, in the event of extreme seaborne zombie emergency* dump into the ocean and SET ON FIRE. Oh, hi! Hi, you fucking zombie DICK! TRY GETTING THROUGH MY WALL OF FLAME! HA HA HAH HAHAHAA!! clm

*And see even this final, awesome measure is like so totally unlikely: Zombies on dinghies? I FUCKING DOUBT IT.

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