12:28 pm | 02 September 2003 | enumeration sweepin the nation

I was thinking of things to write about, and since the well of I Am Such A Dork never seems to run dry, I thought I'd dip into it yet again. (If possible future lovers ever find this site I am so totally busted.)

Things I Did That Are So Totally Not Cool As To Be Cool Again,
But Not, Which In Itself Seems Kinda Meta-Cool-is-Uncool,
or Cool-as-Uncool-Is-The-New-Cool, But Which Is Really
Just Another Tried & True Way To Say "I'm Needy! Love Me!"
Hopefully Without Looking Too Frigging Emo

1. Referred to the fall issue of Vogue as "The Bible" publicly, in a 7-11 no less, where (owing to general greyness and subdued holiday mood) Natasia and I were buying candy and giant giant coffees for rainy-day consumption; after this reference, explained to the indulgently confused Pakistani counter-guys that the fall issue of Vogue is a generous 740 pages long and is so jam-packed with ideas to rip off/obsess over/drool onto that it'll keep me occupied for a good week, unlike say the issue of Marie Claire i may drop $3 on in a moment of menstrual weakness and whose entertainment value is limited to approximately thirty minutes; hence its (the Vogue's) moniker: it is "the Bible" of American insecure young-lady fashion-loving materialist object-coveting magazine consumption;

2. Interrupted people the next table over in the coffeeshop to say "Well, actually Yiddish is derived from German, so you're both right, and let's all be friends" in response to inane and seemingly endless overheard semantic argument;

3. Locked self in bathroom at party to leave protracted message swearing in thick tonguetangling Scots on Delicti Fuscus' answering machine ("Yew! Yew greeete sillah coont, yeeew...uh...grrrreeete soonbairnt craytchoore...um....[giggling]"), which was responded to in baffled email reading only "Are you drunk?" which, doy, of course, that's half the reason you like me, anyway, I'll bet;

4. Learned how to access Internet via new fancy phone (despite picture on gayballs website, have not begun wearing tubetops in response to new fancy phone ownership) and have, therefore, spent at least five hours this weekend fucking around with it (and no doubt racking up huge bill). I do not have web access Chez LeMonde, so this fresh exciting land of "Oh look at the teensy-weensy little Hotmail on my (squeal) phoooone!" may suck up a good portion of my otherwise wasted life-time, probably a good thing, overall;

5. Got depressed and listened to Disintegration while laying on the floor (again, just to additionally torture myself by denying myself the relative comfort of the 75%-not-dog-occupied couch, which should also show you just what caliber/depth dork i am);

6. Decided to attempt at least proactive depression, hauled out adorable baby-blue typewriter and pounded away for several hours, somewhat productively, with smoke dangling from lower lip, Hunter-S.-cum-Bruce-Willis-style;

7. Pretty much decided screw this January shit and am now resolved to try to move mid-November, although we'll see about all that crap, & I really gotta find a job.