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11:58 am | 28 October 2004 | scattered detritus

To: Jason Pettus
Re: Screaming daggers of grammar pain

Sometimes when I'm bored or, not exclusively, need a little indignation to put the juice back in my sauce, f'you know what I mean, I check your journal. I'm a bad person and I will see you in Hell, etc. etc., gotcha, but the most recent post brings a new dimension to my you-directed loathing, and that is: buried in a pile of the usual hilarious self-aggrandizing patter and fluff was this little barb of written atrocity:

"I spent 2003 and '04 celebrating my ninth year now of both living in Chicago and of pursuing a career as a creative writer; as a lot less people know, it turns out, I was also finishing up the last year of my original ten-year plan, and getting ready to put together my second..."
Dude. Doooooooood. Dude. While little fallacious gaffes (like: you spent two years celebrating your ninth year now? i like me some celebratin', but put the booze down, dude. Also: past tense and "now" are not good playmates here) are de rigeur for you, the amazingness of "a lot less people" had the fluid elasticity as a ballet being interrupted by Jacob Marley riding a diplodocus. What?! Repeat after me: many fewer people. Feels good, doesn't it? On a positive note, the thing about "honestly show[ing] all the fucked-up things that led to everything spiralling out of control" in your review of The Manson Family would be an interesting approach to yourself, instead of all the hubris about being a fucking mentor or whatever.

To: Jason Pettus
Re: One more thing

Also, you have my permission to begin getting over yourself now.

To: My stomach
Re: Crap I have been eating

Sorry about that. I'm taking it easy from now on, I promise. But I blame you, too. Why does the introduction of booze into your system cause you to send out the DONUT and TACO alerts? Also, regarding late-night salad binges: My bad.

To: Guinness
Re: The dog not the beer

You must truly be the only dog in all of Christendom who, like her mommy, actively craves raw tofu. I submit also that, like your mommy, you are the cutest in the land.

To: Fiona Apple
Re: Grudging kudos

I think you're insane, still, but "to save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn," that's some good shit there.

To: Ashlee Simpson
Re: I feel your pain

I got a little mega-crocked at live new wave karaoke last night and FUCKED UP "White Wedding" bad. BAAAAD. I know that track inside and goddamned out but I suppose the band (Mister Mr. Miyagi) compressed it and i was ignoring their printed lyric sheet that omits the whole "there is nothing safe in this world" bridge and instead ended up kind of loopily bopping and hollering "start agaaaaaain!," and this after my awesome rendition of "Just What I Needed" was tragically under-miked, denying the scattered patrons of Fire Islands my bravura, nicotine-riddled croakings. Yeah.

To: The careful reader
Re: Now suck it

if you are going all "Hey Claude you picked on Jason's writing, and yet just emphatically misused 'bad' up there, shoulda been 'badly,' blah blah," then i cordially invite you to chew it. First: there is fully an ironic and vernacular difference between "badly" and "bad," and those of us who understand it are thus authorized to use them with impunity. Second: Clearly this is the most casual just-don't-give-a-fuck of all my writing ever. If you want formal you better step to this. Third: Quit acting like you've forgotten about Dre. Seriously.

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