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11:23 pm | 24 December 2002 | love me Nintender

Ugh, my parents fed me all this rich-ass Midwestern food and i am totally feeling it. One mom stuffed me with cheese dip and bourbon balls for two days, and then i went to my dad's house where everything at dinner was either made of cheese (lasagna), covered in cheese (cauliflower, salad), or had the potential to be coated in cheese and/or butter (rolls, mashed potatoes); also served were festive holiday goblets of whole milk, which is like drinking pudding, and i really can't handle it. Eeuch. It was a Dairy Demolition Derby.

After we'd unbuttoned our collective pants, the whole family went to play Super Mario Party (on the Nintendo GameCube on the big-screen tv in the den), whereupon i blamed an unfortunate incident on the dog and immediately felt bad about it and started laughing nervously, while everyone else fanned themselves with the elk-motif pillows.

I love Nintendo a whole lot. I can put up with Playstation for a time, and Sega for an even shorter period, and Dreamcast hardly at all. I have loved Nintendo since the first one i got (for Christmas in sixth or seventh grade*; it had Duck Hunt with the bright-orange laser gun, and the PowerPad with Track & Field [which i used to suck royally at, but i'll kick anyone's ass now], and Super Mario Brothers, which i loved so insanely that i used to lay awake at night, picturing levels 1-1 through 2-3 with my eyes closed in perfect detail**).

The Super Nintendo arrived when my dad came back from a business trip with a bike for my brother and a new phone for my stepmom, then told me i wouldn't be receiving anything since i didn't live at his house full-time. This chicanery persisted for a couple of hours until he told me to look under my bed, where the SNES rested gently in its new shiny box (I still get teased for crying from what they thought was pure material joy from the Nintendo-reception; what it actually was was relief at being validated as his real daughter, a distinction which he would challenge three years later. Anyway. Wow, this is a really long parenthetical, huh? Woo!). I took the SNES with me to Michigan State (O ill-fated college misstep!) and the semester i found out that i have a brain tumour and that this joker was just using me for blowjobs and that i didn't have any money and that i was clinically depressed, the Friendly Little 'Tendo was my constant companion. I tore through Donkey Kong Country(s) 1-3 in a matter of weeks, subsisting largely on Spaghettios and Guinness, and listening to the Verve loudly, all cracked-out in my shoplifted raver pants. I staggered out of my suite in the co-op, pasty and drawn, in mid-March. "I beat it," i rasped. "I beat King K. Rool, motherfucker. The next one is about pirates, dude. Pirates!" I love adventure games!!!

I have an N64 now (limited-edition Donkey Kong 64 jungle green model) and i don't know whether i want the GameCube. I have spent in total more than 200 hours on Zelda and Donkey Kong, and i haven't checked Banjo-Kazooie, Banjo-Tooie, or Earthworm Jim lately but i'm sure there's another 60 hours or so. I just don't know if i'm ready to graduate to a cd-rom based system--part of my fealty to Nintendo is based on its old-skool chunky cartridges and non-technical appearance. It's endearing and funny. However, my brilliant friend Danny wrote part of Die Hard: Vendetta, and apparently i appear as a character in an early scene, so i'd like to see it. And it was immensely satisfying, in a sense, too: Despite the father issues and tumours and unappreciated fellatio and misbegotten education forays, i am at least immortalized in Nintendo. clm.


* I encountered my first Nintendo at Deana's house. She was cool because her big sister had been really into hair rock, and though Deana was as delicate and neurotic and intellectual as the rest of our crowd, she played Poison and Bon Jovi tapes and just seemed really intense. She had a Scottie dog named Pepper, too, who barked incessantly. Last year I heard she was fucking her therapist.

** I also was a big fan of Zelda, and then i had a couple of weird discount gov'mint games we'd gotten at Sam's Club or something; one was called Solstice and was weird in that it attempted to be three-dimensional, despite being an 8-bit binary grid-based system, and everything was fucked up but it had sweet-ass music, all sinister medieval midi that also paved the way for my love of Nick Cave, i think. For SNES i had a game called Act-Raiser wherein one played a benevolent Greek-type god, alternately slaying freaky insect-like monsters and doing Sims-type land-building (you could send a tornado down if your people started worshiping another god or idol, and you could also plague 'em. I got a lot of satisfaction out of it). That had great music, too, and the graphics were fairly dope for the time, and the little character (who i would always name annoyingly, like My Lord Napkin) would make great sounds when he stabbed and parried with his giant sword. Huh! Huyh! Ho-hoch! he would grunt energetically, his classical blond locks flowing on the digital breeze.


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