5:00 pm | 21 January 2003 | do you peel the way i peel?

Dude. I hate labels so frigging much. Here I am not referring to ethnic, racial, or other discriminatory and/or offensive tags (although, and of course, I hate those too). Specifically I mean things such as price tags and the stickers on plastic bins that helpfully note "Sterilite Storage Bin. For storage. Store yo shit up in this piece, mofo!" I can�t tell you how many times I�ve ended up doing dishes at someone else�s house (actually, now I also wonder why I so frequently end up doing other people�s dishes�) and I flip over a bowl or glass only to see IKEA staring up at me from a grimy-ass, dog-eared, grey-with-age tag. "Are these new?" I inquire innocently. "Aw, no, bro, I�ve had those for like two years."

I can�t stand labels. I compulsively pick them off of everything that is around for even a short time in my life�special-event foodstuffs such as candy get to keep their price tags, because I only have them for a few moments before a furtive-yet-orgiastic chocolate feeding frenzy ensues�but bottled water, bottled Scotch, bottles of aspirin (you know, my everyday diet)�ALL MUST BE DE-LABELED. And dude? if you leave price tags or other advertising, feature-boasting stickers ("Now with see-thru top" or "Do not deliberately inhale contents") on things you will have for years, such as trash cans, mop buckets, and FURNITURE�don�t even talk to me. I�ll come over to your house and peel paper �til my fingers BLEED.

This urge is slightly in opposition to my love of text�I like monograms, painting words on walls, having lots of chalkboards and papers and quotes and typewriters sitting around, just to put thoughts down on. I transfer flour, sugar and coffee to these Italian canisters that read Zucchero (thus confusing the issue further, since then all three actually say Sugar). I guess it�s just that I want to control how many and what kinds of words and text are thrown at me in my home. Everything outside is so coated in manipulative slogans, advertising (I mean seriously, you can�t even pee at a bar without forty flyers adding to the visual chaos), and graffiti that I need to be able to look around my house without It�sallinside-Nobodydoesntlove-Refrescante-Eatfresh-Ownstheroad-Stayclosealittlelonger-Doubleyourpleasure-Choiceofthenew-Carnitasmejors-Gentlemen�sclub-Whatissexy-It�syourlife-Thenewalbum-Unb�ring-Unbroken-Undecided-Uncoordinated-Unlisted-Underground-Unrefined blazing across my retinas like Satan�s own stock ticker.

I have to go do Tae-"Billy Blanks� Shiny Nylon-Encased Balls"-Bo now, because my ass cheeks look like two ham steaks and I�m just not down with that, especially since I am a vegetarian and all. Kick! Punch! It�s all in the mind! clm.