Americans,
your President.


claude le monde
UDvCLM
...
archives + shop le monde
guestbook
diaryland
email the claw
...
the last five entries:

i killed it Gilbert

the taco mystique

no networks, no nukes, not notcakes

my vacation in numbers

cycloparappin: CnH4n


how we do:
loupe online
universal donor
tape + solitaire
dr j.j.
tuckova
drunkenbee
my ninjas
dinosaur comics !
the 2ndhand
12% beer


+ you are #




2:12 pm | 20 August 2003 | two things i'd rather get punched than experience again

1. Today i have the sort of cramps that approximate the sensation of a fork shredding flesh, but as my uterus is neither barbacoa nor jerk chicken, it hardly seems appropriate. This does, however, explain the increased amounts of self-loathing (97%, up from the usual 92% or so) that have sunk my battleship as of late. Every month I forget about PMSing, somehow--it's been ten years and every month I experience that moment of epiphany. "Say! This is why i've been cranky, fat, hungry, and weepy! I mean, crankier, fatter, hungrier, and weepier! Hot dog!"

2. In other news, today I also derangedly attempted to crack wise with a 150-strong passel of stultified parents. I flung open the door of the room where they chatted loudly amongst themselves. "Good afternoon!" I shouted to no effect over their accent-betwanged din. "Hey! Hey dudes!" They quieted slowly. 150 various bad haircuts swivelled my way. "Hi!" I shouted desperately, fueled by exhaustion, poverty, antsiness, and a new aggressive strain of misanthropy. "I'm Claudia, the Special Events Coordinator here! And for the next approximately three-and-a-half minutes I am going to coordinate, uh, you!" It sounded kind of dirty. "What's happening is this! We need to switch locations in an orderly fashion! So we are going to have a...a..." I cast desperately for a word that was fun and comprehensible. "...a parade! Yes! And en route we will pass both the office of the school newspaper, and the restrooms! It will thrill and edify you! So, uh, follow me, okay?" Crickets chirped in the background as mouths gaped open. My voice was tinged with desperation and thirst for alcohol. "Okay?!?!" I wailed, brink-of-hysterically, and they nodded slowly, first a few, then all of them, just like the end of an 80s movie, and began rising zombiedly from their chairs.

It is with regret that I inform you that we then proceeded to have a parade.


prev... (home) ...next

unless otherwise noted, all work contained herein is claudia sherman, 2002-04.
all rights, including those of reproduction, reserved.