12:27 pm | 19 September 2003 | no, let me remove YOUR face

Dear Asshole,

Thank you. How could you have known?! When i received a new car stereo for my birthday last week, i thought "surely, this neighborhood is safe. i haven't seen other cars broken into here, and i live between two catholic churches." Thank you for introducing me to my own na�vet�! i know you made a special pilgrimage just to smash MY car window, and i am honored. You must have noted how shitty my car is, and thought to yourself, "this person is used to being abused and disappointed. let's keep things consistent." How observant! You shouldn't have. No, really: you shouldn't have.

Doubtless the statues of John Paul II, Saint Helen, and Jesus smiled down upon you as you ripped the front of my dashboard off. And the finishing touch--tearing the toy Curious George from the dash and flinging it to the ground--did that bring you happiness? i can only hope so. I was wondering what to do with all my money, and now it looks like i have $300 less to worry about. You really are a life-saver!

I was honored to have someone with your level of expertise "service" my car, since the stereo (a gift from my father, i should add) was delicately disconnected. Thank you for showing my birthday present the respect it deserved!

i was also thankful to note that, although you were forced to savagely tear open the glove box in order to get the stereo's face, you did not steal the hot-pink underwear i had stashed there in event of emergency. Now i know that not all crooks are also pervs! Thanks for not only breaking the mold, but for helping me face my own prejudices!

Thanks, also, for not stealing my Nas or Bauhaus albums. i would like to note, however, that my un-get-back-able preview copy of the new Twilight Singers album was IN the stereo, and if you could return that, it'd be great. Just set it in the car; as the window is broken, you should have no trouble getting in, and i'm sure you will recognize my car. It is the crappy, beat-up Lumina with the giant, stereo-less crater in the dashboard. You know: the one you vandalized.

In conclusion, thanks once again. The gaping hole where my stereo once (so briefly) was makes a great storage space for a pint of Jim Beam. i love not having to fumble around on the floor for it anymore!

kind regards,
claudia