11:02 am | 18 June 2003 | human letterpress; highway mayhem

My new tattoo is getting to that totally awesome stage where the skin comes off in whole pieces. With the first one i ever got, i remember a quarter-sized patch with a perfect black star. Now, they're letters, whole letters, peeling off perfectly. I am a human letterpress. I am in love with this idea.

I drove back to Michigan on Saturday. It was a gorgeous day--sky so blue i didn't mind having forgotten my sunglasses, little scuddy clouds flinging themselves through the air, and at the Michigan Visitor Information Centre, free strawberries from the Tourism Council, for no reason other than that it was beautiful out. There's something about ten old men sitting at a picnic table, all eating strawberries out of plastic cups, that totally reaffirms the goodness of the world. The strawberries were little seed-jewelled heartshaped bombs of tongue-slicking sweetness. They were frescante. They were brilliant.

And then, tearing up the freeway at 75mph (i am a fast girl), asphalt so black against the dull green of grass and the poolblue sky, something happens. A tiny rock, maybe, wedges itself in the wrong crevice. The rubber strains against itself, against the road, against the speed, and i don't notice, because i am singing "Just Like Heaven" too loudly and gulping down an impossibly frothy Diet Coke.

I have to slow it down to understand it. So, okay, first there was a slim little peely sound, like taking the plastic backing off a Fruit Roll-Up. That was the tread coming loose. And then a weltering THUMP, like i'd hit something with the car, like i'd just run over Andre the Giant in my car, and then the animal whine of metal, sorta buzz-saw sounding, as the shredded tread tore savagely down the passenger side of the car like a thunderous whiplash. Then the passenger-side rearview mirror catching the tail end of the tread-strap and coming loose, hanging by its wires and smashing into the half-open window. And then the dog (you were in an alley you were beaten and are afraid) yelping in fear and trying to leap into the backseat, away from the commotion, only having her driving harness on, so she twists it 180 degrees and ends up dangling off the back of the passenger seat like a baby in a papoose. And then me. "Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck." Thinking that my irrational fears were come true, and the car was gonna really blow up this time.

No, of course. It was just the tire. I manhandled the car to the shoulder, swore some more, disentangled the dog, and took a look. The wheel-well was pretty well shredded; the quarter-panel curled under like a tongue, the mirror dangling broken-wing-helpless, the door shrieking in protest when i tried to open it. I had to pull a ton of art supplies out of the trunk before i could get the jack and spare out. I managed.

I was grimy, sweaty, angry, and shaky by the time i rolled into the Discount Tire on Canal. I let the boys with Tasmanian-Devil-and-"No-Fear"-tattoos indulge in their we'll-take-care-of-this-don't-you-worry-your-pretty-head-none-little-lady rhetoric, too tired to care. They held the door open for me when they were done. I drove home and said "Today's been a motherfucker." I said this to my mother. She nodded. She understands stuff like that.

Happy Father's Day, Poppy. Thanks for hammering out my car. It won't win any beauty pageants, but it's a thrashed '96 Chevy with a totally sweet red hood and a big ol' duct tape patch where the mirror once was, so suffice it to say that it's hard to lose my car in a parking lot. And, as Papa said, "that there duct tape is rated for 200 miles an hour, kid. You should be fine." What a relief. clm.

OH YOU GUYS. GO HERE and listen to "Cameltoe." DO IT DO IT. Sample lyrics:

"You better take a quick minute before you step outside
Check the area that's pubic
Or you�ll get your panties all up in a bunch
All twisted up like rubric
Take these words of advice cause it's not very nice
I wanna put you all in the know
Girls don't sleep don't let your pants creep
Watch out for the Cameltoe!"