6:57 pm | 18 January 2004 | TCB*

I have several things to address today so here goes.

1. Are cigarettes your friend? This oddly-posed question was a teaser link on my Hotmail homepage. I am here to save you the trouble: Yes, yes they are.

2. The Triplets of Belleville. En route to this here Internet whorehouse I swerved left and saw this film on a whim. IT IS SO GOOD. If you're into maximalist animation and genius art direction, go see.

3. My giant mouth. It is a long story but recently I meant to type "homes" on a guesbook and omitted the "m," being drunk and all. I then proceeded to follow the resultant "hoes" with an offer to knife-fight the party. Since the party isn't someone familiar with my idiotic ebullience, they took both of these gaffes seriously. In apologetic recompense I hereby offer an extremely limited list of things I have called/threats I have made to friends, family, loved ones, significant others, pets, and Our Lord Jesus Christ, so said party, if she were to visit, would be aware that she is not in bad company, even if I had meant to call her a ho, which I did not, so here:

ass
ass-master
asshat
asswad
bastard
bastard of ass
beehatch/beeotch/bhortch/B-I-T-C-Q**
butt nugget
cockass
crackwad
dick/dickass/dickface
put up your dukes
i am about to fucking wreck you
i will CUT YOU
let's scrap
let's see how your asshole looks when worn as a turtleneck
you wanna go? no seriously, you wanna go?
manky-ass
mongoloid
shitheel
shotface
dungheap
vag face
scrotal chomper
poo face

4. "Dy-no-miiiiiite!" This Christmas, touchingly, the actually-now-in-London-as-we-speak Tape Wizard presented me with her cassette of Vital Idol, saying "You...you need this more than I do." Despite the practicality (I'm now the only family member with a tape deck in his/her car), I was touched. My sister and I have a Billy Idol bond. I'm not sure where it came from, but we formed a pact about a year ago to call each other whenever a Billy Idol song comes on. This results in a lot of 3am phone messages, garbled with booze, along the lines of "Haaaaaaaaaaay! Um....you make me feel [giggling] Mony Mony!" while people shriek in the background like cocaine-addled baboons. Anywho, I was blowing down the Pacific Coast Highway yesterday, blaring White Wedding***, and there is this EXTENDED VERSION on the tape which is basically the same as the original, but sort of reprises and remixes it with different synth lines and stuff. But the GENIUS is this: First off, there are a lot of shouted interjections with HEAVY reverb, such as: "Rock (-ock -ock -ock)!" I was laughing hysterically. But THEN, further on, Billy Idol just shrieks "DY NO MITE (-ite -ite -ite)!" and it is the single greatest moment in rock, for me, right now, and Jack White or whoever can totally sniff it on this one.

5. ZP's birthday. Loyal-esque readers of this site or Universal Donor may know ZP, a frequent comment contributress and good friend. Well, this weekend was her birthday. Let's wish her a totally bitchin' year. Woop! clm.

* Elvis' living room has "TCB" with a giant lightning bolt painted on one wall. We understand that it stands for "Takin' Care of Business." You GO, King!
** One of my mom's classic non-sweariturs, before she just chilled on the bourgeois tip and started cursing like she wanted to.
*** For obvious reasons I will be singing that at my sister's wedding and I needed to practice. I have it down REALLY GOOD now.