First, props to Kristin for her inspirational revival of the memo form. And now MORE:
to: Andre 3000
from: Claude v2.0
re: early bandwagoneer
Dude, i know you are all big and shit now, largely due to your immaculate, socially weighted fashion sense (reprising the Lawn Jockey as ironic statement? BRILL! Kelly green? FLAWLESS!), but i would like to say that i liked you since before stankonia, and even after the love below my favourite lyric of yours is still "Nigga quit bein so gotdammned selfish...put it in your pelvis," said as so to make "selfish" and "pelvis" rhyme, and for no apparent reason, so much that i will actually sometimes sing the "n" word along with, although as explained previously i usually replace it with "ninja" so as not to offend. Smooches!
to: Howard Dean
from: Claude "i don't know where my voter ID is, but i'll find it" le Monde
Dude, i was worried about you for a while, because you have a big mug and a grip of opinions, but now i like your flamboyant, rampaging style, and i endorse that shit.
to: Long Beach Park Rangers
from: New citizen, definitely NEVER drunk in public
Man, it must be so totally sweet to have your job, which appears to consist of getting three or five of your patrol cars together by the gatorade vending machines at the park on Second and Cherry and then just shooting the shit while we normal folk wander around after dark, all muggable and crap. Do you have any openings?
to: the Bellflower Target
from: the girl with all the Swiffer stuff
re: location, location, location!
Bellflower Target, why are you so relatively close, yet so in BFE? And why are you laid out all fucked up, and so deviant from the reassuring consistency of EVERY OTHER TARGET EVER? Also, your Juniors section is for 12-year-olds with a hip circumference of 14 centimeters and your Women's section is for people the age of my mom with waaaay less style than my mom. I make do with buying tiny polo shirts from Boys 6-12 but I am really getting impatient here.
to: Girl sitting across the coffeehouse
from: Girl at computer #2
re: Lookin' haggard
Ladyfriend, i find myself simultaneously attracted and repelled by your so very buoyant, intense maquillage. It is as though you had a gang of young Latinas take the combined, impressive contents of mine and RAC's and motel666's makeup kits and prepare you for Apache battle. Your face is a weapon of mass distraction. But i must admit that, even though your lipliner could cut cardboard at twenty paces, I think I would like to be your friend. Maybe you could introduce me to a new world of non-schleppitude. However, your friend's hair needs to STOP. Yours truly, Busted in the Floppy Cardigan
to: the Wizards Tape and Solitaire
re: your trip
Ladies: i await news of the invasion and of our imminent takeover. until then, best of luck. also, use the word "manky" a lot. it means kind of mangy and disheveled, according to joeling green. as in, "Though I am not hungover, i nevertheless project a certain degree of mankiness today." HUZZAH!