2:35 pm | 12 October 2004 | putting the "emo" in "memo"

To: Writers in general
Re: Capitalization is not a crime
I request that you not give in to alternative capitalization idiocy when writing standard documents. Dude, I don't give a shit if their gay logo says "Yahoo!" whenever it appears. Their name is Yahoo, period, literally. If I read another Stock shares for Internet mogul Yahoo! rose two points Wednesday...I swear I'll explode from my slum apartment wielding a brickbat. In fact, companies and people, why don't you just get the fuck over yourselves, already. Do what you want on your albums or what have you, but don't expect me to actually be typing the exclamation point in "Godspeed You! Black Emperor" every time I wanna talk about bands I like. I've been guilty--God knows that as a Goth teen I religiously wrote "Nine Inch Nails" with backwards* Ns, and sometimes I type all lower-case--it's either a design choice or from laziness--but I'm not fucking gonna make you only write my name "cl�udj�� shRm∞nn" or anything super-dumb like that. For chrissakes.
CC: bell hooks, e.e. cummings, Man...or Astro-Man?, etc.

To: Writers, mostly Young, emo
Re: Relatedly, your malignant tyopgraphical obsession
I only allow like two people in my life to get away with herky-jerky siezured caps and whatnot, and with each new like "[email protected]" I really go insane-er. I know it's just a trend or whatnot, but how the hell does it make you cooler to have all kinds of crazy shit in your email address? Don't you feel like a tool after the Blood Brothers show** when you go to give your Myspace.com handle to that emaciated hottie, and you have to say "well it's xmiseryx__revenge.rifle"? Just because you are naming "dark" or "emo" things doesn't make you any better than the kids who oppress you at school; it's only one step away from your AIM name being CrazyBlondeHotty69, and that step is waaay too short. Also, and I've already addressed this, and Joel you are exempt for valid reasons, but QUIT WITH THE "omg wE weNt OuT LaST niTe & GiRL iT goT cRaZy" because i'll tell you what's crazy, babygirl: it ain't "LaST niTe." It's me. Now suck it.

To: Person who found this site by Googling "sweater cleavage"
Re: Aiming to please

To: The Lottery
Re: Consistency please
You know what, bitch? A lot of my extended family members have won substantial amounts of money on you, from $500-$100,000. And while it's true that owing to the chaw-squirtin', boot-scootin', trailer-gamblin' demographic to which they belong, the money was rapidly pissed away on such GOOD IDEAS as new snowmobiles and campers, and not, say, college, I nevertheless would buy me a Lotto ticket today if I thought it was some kind of familial "magic" at play. But I'm a doubtful bastard, so just: Fuck you.

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ATTENTION GENIUS BOYZ
I am bored, hott, and into dioramas and making out. Perhaps you are too? Apply today!
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To: Ennui
Re: Checking in
Today I sat on a sprinkle that fell off my donut and now there is a yellow stripe on my thigh/ass, a stripe of candy-powder glory, and my reaction to this event? IS FUCKING BOREDOM. I got all excited because I heard about this artist named Marcel Broodthaers who was supposed to be the hot pre-Duchamp Belgian shit, and then: no. I mean, he's aight, but he's not taking the Number One Marcel position from Duchamp, no way. I need something new and stokeworthy. And I need it STAT. clm.

*Which lamenomenon also see: Toys "R" Us, and a pox on your goddamned houses if you EVER use a "kid handwriting" font with backwards letters. There's nothing charming about a small human who's struggling to learn how to write. That's like Dow Jones adopting "2+2=5" as its corporate motto: STUPID.
**No hate intended, J; miss you.