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12:40 pm | 11 June 2004 | elect my shit, bitches

You know (and this is the last I'll say about it, 'cause Lord KNOWS I'm tired of hearing about it), all these things about Reagan having been such a great speaker are really kind of baffling to me. I'm not baffled by the comparisons NPR tossed out between Reagan's and Bush's speeches in terms of sentence length, diction, and word variety (let's not even get into "pronunciation mastery," okay?), but to call Reagan a great speaker?

Let's put this in perspective. Lincoln was a great speaker, AND he wrote his own damn speeches, unlike the composition-disabled sucktards we currently employ*. This was, I believe, due at least in part to the inarguable fact that LINCOLN WAS SMART. Where along the line did we go from "I feel most comfortable if the fate of my nation is in the hands of someone as smart and appropriate as possible for the position and all it entails" to "Wuhl, I dunno. Smart people tends to be, uh, Lib'ruhls**. I like a man I could just sit down and have a beer with***." Dude: Go have a beer with Randy. Let someone smart run shit.

I could go on about this a lot longer, but (and this is just one more glaring sign that I have adult ADD, but I refuse to admit that as a probability) I thought about it already at length and writing it is boring me. Let's just say that while it's nice to have a friendly, accessible president who can speak in terms most people will understand--I'm not necessarily advocating Gore's written brand of boldly arcane essay, although it would certainly have been PREFERABLE to the current state of affairs--but anyway, can't Mr. Popular also have a FUCKING BRAIN in his head? Like Clinton. Well, he was a bit overfriendly. I guess I am asking too much****. clm.

*Let's not forget that an election is just a fancy form of hiring someone for a job, but with a really huge HR department.


***This last bit was actually quoted by some Jimmy-the-Hick around the time of Bush's election as being his rationale for voting.

****Unless of course you vote for me. Look, I read fast, speak well, learn quickly, and hate being touched! I only do the drinking, which is totally legal! I'm white, but I have Native American blood--and I get hit on by scumbags of all ethnic groups, so I must be doing SOMETHING right! I will tax the shit out of sportglomerates and spend the money on education and mandatory Candy Fridays! SUVs will also be subject to a tax (unless it can be proven that they do something like haul livestock or lumber) and THAT money will go towards promoting eating less meat so people don't die! Also vasectomies will be free, for all those jagoffs who APPARENTLY are UNAWARE that the dicks they are prodding around with DO MORE than provide meaningless diversion! Also: deadbeat dads get put on litter-pickup detail at $10 an hour. The money goes towards their child-payment debts. While on detail, they sleep in puptents and eat beans only. Consensual criminals (i.e., those jailed for crimes that harm only themselves) get out of jail. Criminals in jail have to farm co-ops for their food. No more death penalty. No more genetic engineering of foods or crazy pesticides: try growing more diverse crops, asshats. PEOPLE QUIT EATING THE WILD HORSES (seriously, this is a big issue). Rapists--100% convicted--are neutered and spend the rest of their lives growing flowers to send to their victims in apology. The Internet is free. Spammers have pop-up ads branded onto their foreheads warning you that they are worthless dickbags with no respect for other people's time. We overthrow the "beauty standards" women are held to with the triumphant phrase "Our only goal is to present as visually confusing a tableau as possible! Stripes and dots UNITED, no ladies DIVIDED!" Who speaks more eloquently than this? The First Shepherd is the poster-child for mutts: no more puppy mills. Customer service operators are required to tell you that you are pretty. People caught downloading Metallica will be arrested, brought to an interrogation room, sat down, informed "You are dumb. Metallica is a terrible band," given a copy of The Queen is Dead, and released. State-of-the-Union addresses will be delivered in spoken word by the guest artists I choose, and the only time I use inflammatory terms like "Triumph" will be in reference to my motorcycle or the comic insult dog. We will work on being a little more humble, as a nation, because nobody likes a braggart. Terrorists will be imprisoned and forced to create plush toys for the orphans of their own stealthy wars. I ask you: who speaks more eloquently than this? Mayonnaise is the National Condiment. Nutella is the National Eat-Off-a-Spoonable. Bleu cheese comes with a warning label concerning its toxicity. You have to learn at LEAST one extra language before you leave school. College is free and the number of pointless gen-eds it contains is cut WAAAAAY down. Seersucker is outlawed! Let people with cancer and AIDS smoke pot all they want--I don't give a good goddamn! More art supplies and fewer dodgeballs! Dissolve the recording mega-corporations and make being an artist or musician a viable life choice! Resurrect the passenger pigeon and use them to send love notes! People: we can't lose!

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