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12:56 pm | 10 January 2003 | putting the 'fun' back in 'funeral'

Porkchop and I decided to build our own coffins this summer (since I am planning on cremation I will probably not be buried in the coffin, but maybe I can have my relatives fill the coffin with all my favourite stuff and have it buried with me. That way, no-one will ever use my favourite Oscar Wilde coffee cup but me! Because it's mine! Miiiiine! Ah ha ha haaa! Anyway). There are quite a few websites about ordering custom-built coffins, especially the traditional 'toe-pincher' style, and since there are no laws in any state about what one can/cannot be buried in, I think it makes sense. Buying coffins through the major vendors is a sordid, annoying, and wrong experience. They are violently overpriced and prey upon our American thanatophobia. For instance, a 'rubber gasket'-type seal around the edge of the coffin, supposedly installed to 'delay' the process of decay, costs the consumer $800. Eight hundred dollars! And yet the manufacturer spends only about $8 to add the damn gasket. It�s totally unnecessary anyway! The body is going to rot no matter what (a fact which has soothed me in darker hours).

So anyway. I plan on using my coffin as either a 'coffin table' or a 'burial bench' in which I can store magazines, fabric, and yarn. I suggested to Porkchop that she use hers for cd/book storage, since she doesn�t have a tower�we can just add shelves! The possibilities are endless.

There are other benefits, too. I can line the coffin in my favourite black-and-white stripes. I can make it long enough for my gigantic, lardinous Valkyrian body. I can chill out in it when I need some alone time, and it can also function as guest accommodations for my more discriminating and morbid friends. I can paint, woodburn, carve, Sharpie, and otherwise inscribe splendid patterns of bats, birds, hedgehogs, toast, clover, donkeys, storm clouds, and sundry other favourites on the inside, for contemplation during quieter moments.


above: my current mental state captured on film.

Also, I feel like pooty-poo on a stick, and I�m still depressed (I am trying not to break the streak that began in like SEPTEMBER), so to console myself I ordered semi-obscure German documentaries online today. Strangely, I feel better, but at the same time, I am spending money (bad) I don�t really have any business spending (worse) buying semi-obscure German (I don�t speak German) documentaries that will, in the end, only depress me further (ha ha ha). Dear friends, it is always an uphill battle here in le Monde du Claude. love clm.


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