10:24 pm | December 10 2003 | celebrity hateathon part 348

oh my god, in typical claudia fashion i am going on a TEAR of crazy bitchery mayhem to deal with my external stresses. we are watching the billboard awards & with the exceptions of andre 3000, mandy moore, evanescence, & beyonce, i have NO TIME for ANY of these fools. jessica simpson? could be played by an animate mop. clay aiken? has a freaky, praying-mantis wedgehead. celine dion? HATCHETFACE whose new haircut gives her a distinct resemblance to the Chicken Lady on Kids in the Hall ("it looks like a chicken, but it's also a kid! it's a...chicken-kid!"). person we were discussing during a commercial break? has the POTATOHEAD, that flabby, indolent son-of-leisure face that says I HAVE NEVER WORKED A DAY IN MY LIFE, oh god the puffy, slimy bastard. back to the show. shania twain: why are you shopping at a hot topic factory outlet? are you a raver? random girl on LJ: what the feezy, you self-aggrandizing, machiavellian beehatch? i hate everything & i need to share it with you. i may have even said something mean about some random Samoan dude in the audience. i have nothing against samoans at large, just that samoan. & i know this is not a new sentiment but i really and actually hope something horrible happens to Paris Hilton. like i hope she is horribly, terribly disfigured. or gets shot in the face with a nail gun. A NAIL GUN!

long story short, i am not a very pleasant compatriot these days but goddamnit i am unapologetic. NAIL GUNS FOR PARIS! CURMUDGEONS UNITE!

also what is up with those SANDALS resorts? what is up? those are for adults with flagging, loveless marriages who are also incapable of ENTERTAINING THEMSELVES or struggling along in a foreign country without this safe, sanitized, americanized little PLAYGROUND where the drinks, dance parties, and prearranged fun are served up on a regular schedule. UGH. UGH!!