3:05 pm | 05 March 2003 | "the diacritical mark of the beast"

This entry specially presented in large type so you can see the funny, funny dots.

I was reading Robin Smith's diary, and she mentioned IKEA's judicious use of the umlaut (for those of you who are not totally retarded for diereses [like i am], the umlaut is the little dot-dot over vowels used to indicate the change in a vowel's sound when it becomes, like, halfway merged with the next, which phenomenon is also called umlaut)*. Wait, i am confusing you. Okay, it's the difference between "naive," which would be pronounced "knive," or "na�ve," which is correct: "nigh-eve." See how when the umlaut shows up, the a and the i are both accented but kind of lurch into each other, meeting the same way my face met the corner of Bahareh's refrigerator Saturday night: ah-ee? Yeah, i thought so.

So and anyway Robin goes on to laugh about hair-metal bands using the umlaut. Also funny, i agree. But i think people need to be more aware of the true hilarity that is afoot here.

(I promise i have a point and it's funny. Bear with me.)

Okay. Let's get ready to read along. Our first example is M�tley Cr�e. I'm sure Sebastian Bach** thought umlauts were just badass Teutonic affectations, but if you pronounce their name as instructed, they are Metly Creeeeuw.

Say it with me.

Metly. Creeeyeuw.

Oh ha! Ha ha ha!! Blue �yster Cult? Only if they're serving Yeeoysters. Mot�rhead? Moteyorhead. And Queensr�che? Nope, try again, Queensreeook. I could go on, but I won't. Well, I will, but only to myself. i love you all. goodnight. cl��d�.