1:37 pm | 03 June 2003 | i go to extremes

It becomes increasingly apparent* that i am more extreme (not X-Treem, please, no thank you, Mountain Dew makes me vomit) than many other people, in non-exciting/profitable ways. FOR EXAMPLE:

1. Instead of sexy sexy grey hair, my rapidly encroaching age has chosen to make itself known in the form of skin tags, whose appearance i noted with a frown and whom i then ERADICATED with scissors, leaving me looking as though a badger had chewed my neck. It hurt like a goddamned bitch but i am way too fucking Jedi** to let that stop me.

2. Additionally, i locked myself out of my apartment yesterday on my day off, and spent a couple of hours having Jameson and crying with my friend (not about being locked out--about something else), at the end of which Porkchop and Koo let me back in the building, but my apartment itself was still locked. Of course, my lazy whore of a slumlord couldn't come out to open it until sometime today and Guinn was stuck inside, so i knew i had to break in somehow. Let's just say the attempt involved a Koo's-bedroom-window-to-my-living-room-window transfer; manouevring a ladder onto the next-door roof and standing on the topmost DO NOT STAND ON rung, which necessitated a leap, and i was drunk; possibly clambering up my downstairs neighbour's rusty window-bars; the destruction of window-screens (which i will NOT 'fess up to); and let's just say in the end, after all that work and freaked-out-ness and the-calling-of-friends-to-remark-that-i-might-die-soon-but-love-you-forever, we figured out (too late) that, after prying some of the ancient molding from my doorframe, a simple hammer and ruler gets my lock sprung faster than Dennis Rodman at a whore convention, oh, yes.

3. And so but then a friend called me a half-hour or so later. "Oh my god, are you okay?" he freaked out into the phone. "Oh yeah," i said, waving a blas� hand even though he couldn't see it. "Are you drunk? It's, like, four o'clock in the afternoon!" "It's seven here," i informed (with some asperity) his West-Coast ass, but then added, "but i started drinking at four. It's my day off, dude!"

So, yeah. I am a 'tard. I have the ragingest cold of all time now, no doubt due to this apocalyptically bad weather (barbecues in fifty-degree drizzle? Yeah but NO). But i'm alive. Window-scraped, hungover, snotty, and scab-necked: but alive. Hooray, or something. clm.

*I start a lot of entries with "It would appear..." "It seems that..." "I just figgered out..." and the like, doubtless giving you the impression that i'm just walking around in a perpetual state of discovering-the-frickin-obvious all the time. This is not the case. More often than not i know what's up but choose to ignore such things out of convenience, sloth, or drunkenness.

**I've never seen Star Wars so my use of this term is loose at best. If i am wrong, by all means, don't email me and be like "(snort) well actually Jedis blah blah (honk) blah" because i don't give a rat's anything.