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12:42 pm | 02 July 2004 | and now: rap 2 (analog hullabaloo)

[rapping] let me step to the mic
yo, my name is claude
i gotta buy a bike
i gotta call back todd
it's the two of july
i'm leaving early today
that's how we celebrate
the fuggin' USA !!

[background singing] aw boooy! baby boooooy!
you know i be goin home at two fo sho!!!
traffic can kiss my big ass!

[rapping] and taking off monday?
i can do that too
i got writings to write
i got makings to do
my art is super sweet
(well, i've seen way worse)
just check out the SWEET writing
i painted up on my purse!

[background singing] long beach reprazent!
hell yeah that clutch be navy-blue straw!
i feel it!!!

[rapping] it was three a.m.
and i can't sleep alone
so i was fucking around
with my cellular phone
and i found this feature
on the camera end:
A lame Liberty frame
that you can put on your friends!

[background singing] that's patriotic, bitches!
that shit be stone-cold american!
tip out your busch lite to your homies!!!

[rapping] i'm gonna flip the script
here's a ten-dollar tip
you think you're so cool?
don't trip on your hip
you have two friends
while i've got a grip
(but men leave my ass
like i'm a sinking ship...)

[rapping] aw, you see what i did there?
i injected some pathos!
if you wanna get Greecy
i'll be Mount Athos!
you know i stay on top
like i'm the Irish dreydel
and my rhymes are square
like the fonts by Heidl!

[background singing] you can measure her white-girlness
by her near-total inability
to rap outside of iambic pentameter!
it's a bard knock life!!!

[rapping] yesterday i ended up at the GhettoMat
where you can do your laundry with your food stamps! Phat!
the toilet cost a quarter and a slap in the face:
the bog-roll was just dangling by a dirty shoelace!

[background singing] donita let her kids run around screamin' all crazy!
this laudromat be hotter than satan's asshole!

[rapping] then the cashier at goodwill
was a surly-trash tableau:
"what jesus means to me" shirt
with a back brace on below;
greasy hair hung limply
like a wilted set of fronds
and the lanyard round her neck
told me all about Bail Bonds.
she eyed me with suspicion
as i plopped down my load: "i'm a
polite, paying customer, bitch!
why treat me like a choad?
i just dropped fifty bucks on crap
nobody else would buy!
are spangly grandma sweaters
all the rage at Pali High?"

[background singing] you KNOW homegirl be wearing
cropped-ass crazy old-man pants
with 1940s blouses! sheeeeeeit!!

she rolled her eyes and snorted:
this cashier was just a rhino.
i dug with one scuffed toe into
the much-more-scuffed-up lino.
but still i made it home all right,
with my stupendous haul.
the shopping had been epic, like
The Legends of the Fall.

[rapping] i got a brown plaid jacket
with a double button placket
if you want it you can try it
but the fact is you can't hack it
don't attack it if you lack it
i'll give you plaid welts with this racket!
(inside my head is a song by the Knack: it's
called My Sharona, and it's a little wack.)

[rapping] my brain shifts fast, like a runaway car
you can't track this shit even with mad OnStar
i swerve left, then right, with references near then far
(but you know i'll end up at the nearest bar)

[background singing] she got ADD and she thirstaaaaaay!!!
happy forties of july, bitches!
clm be straight OUT!

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unless otherwise noted, all work contained herein is claudia sherman, 2002-04.
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