3:00 pm | 03 August 2004 | what you're searching for

Lots of times people get here by Googling weird things that I may have mentioned just in passing. However, your full-service Le Monde exists to be helpful, like some kind of deranged, powerfully anachronistic Boy Scout to your feeble street-cross-attempting grandmother, and so I have gathered a couple of selections and responded to them herein.

"no-bake chocolate cookies"
I'm assuming you want the recipe, right? To make what my grandpa, a curmudgeonly old bastard who was named Lester Loyal, called "Dog Drop Cookies," you will need these ingredients:

2 c. sugar
1/4 c. butter
3 c. quick oats (like quaker)
1/2 c. milk
1/3 c. cocoa powder
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 c. smooth peanut butter

Directions:

Mix sugar, milk, butter and cocoa together in large saucepan. Bring to a boil over high heat; boil exactly one minute. Remove from heat and add remaining ingredients to pan. Spoon immediately onto wax paper and let cool. Eat twenty, too easily, because c'mon they're like pre-digested. Feel nauseous. Drink Diet Coke; feel better. Eat ten more. Feel nauseous again. Take nap.

"on the floating shipless oceans"
This is a line from "Song to the Siren" by Tim Buckley. If you are Googling lyrics, then you probably heard the cover version on the radio; that's by This Mortal Coil. I TOLE you I usedta be goth!

"'denim miniskirt' platform"
This savvy searcher knew to put "denim miniskirt" in quotes, so he wouldn't get any pages related to denim platforms. He apparently didn't know, however, the rule about miniskirts, which is NO HIGH SHOES WITH THEM or you'll look like a big floppy slut. Flats keep minis fresh! Platforms are only acceptable like 3% of the time! And it saddens me that I must tell you NOT to wear those black foam flip-flops that are like 4" tall. HEY! They don't make you look aaaany taller, or your legs any thinner. I know you all want to be big gangly Amazons like me, but deal with it. Platfoams make you look like you are an anim� character drawn by a middle-schooler, or like you have hooves, or as though you are a stupid asshole with no sense of proportion or fashion, or all three. LEAVE 'EM ON THE CLEARANCE RACK AT TARGET. God.

"red garter"
Quit feelin' so frisky, fellas. It's a filthy dive bar in Venice with red velveteen wallpaper.

"kirsten dunst feet"
Devotees* of this blog will know I hate Kirsten Dunst, and that I also have a relationship with feet that is intermittently tenuous, as in: mostly I don't particularly care or think about feet in the least, outside of the pedestrian "My feet are hurting" or "I got a farmer's tan on my foot. That looks idiotic." Sometimes, though, feet freak me out: usually other people's feet, and people who are not friends or lovers. THEY are freaky. So when I think of the feet of the hag-toad Kirsten Dunst, I am beset with shudders of disgust so violent that I can barely type this-here entry. NEXT QUESTION!

"stencil contact paper"
Yes, I am the contact-paper stencil queen, and I accept your fealty.

"new york is so cool"
This is a funny song that makes fun of the people (and they are all our friends) who live in NYC and can't stop fucking orally hemorrhaging about how it's soooo greeeeaaat and sooo cooool. It's very hipster-specific (speaking: "And then? I went to a party and guess who I was standing next to? Yeah. Chloe Sevigny. And then i was in the Do's column of Vice magazine. New York is so cool!"). It's by Exthree and it made me laugh a couple times and that's all i know 'bout it so QUIT GOOGLIN ME.

"adult baby: diaryland"
I know a lot of big babies, but not adult babies, if you know what I mean. Sorry. I'm sure there ARE practisers of infantilism on Diaryland, but I'm a member of the cupcake diaryring, people, not the pur�ed apricots club. Maybe you were looking for Diaperyland. NYUK!

"nike baller bands"
A triumph of marketing, these are large industrial rubber-bands with various slogans and sportsley insignia printed thereupon, by virtue of which signature Nike feels able to permit consumer rape to the tune of $5 apiece. My brother was mad for them over Christmas and I guess I mentioned them, probably largely out of shock that RUBBER BANDS COULD BE $5 EACH. Then again, I have a Gucci bag, so I guess I can suck it on the "impracticality of luxury goods" tip.

"subway sandwich artist shirts polo"
I hope that the person Googling this (and note the specificity of the search string, leading me to believe that the searcher was having trouble finding the exact item he sought, was frustrated by countless images of Ralph Lauren and fine-art photographs of the Metro) was doing it for some jokey reason, and wasn't all "I simply MUST acquire one of those SMASHING Subway polo-style shirts! I find the deep green tones, blithely set off by an energetic yellow-and-white capsuloid logo, to be DIVINE**!" I hope that person read my thing about Subway and is now prepared to distribute mayonnaise to the populace, who are most surely, as I am, in need. clm.

* I want you to pronounce this all louchely, not "da-vo-tease" but "DE-vo-TAAAHYS" with a faintly Southern drawl. Now don't you feel luxe?
**In my brain, all ridiculous people talk like 19th-century Marquesses.