8:56 am | 25 May 2004 | "water (aqua)"

So, I'm an obsessive reader. And unlike the popular proliferation and misconnotization of words like "psycho,"* I do actually mean obsessed. I tried to ride a bike and read when I was like eleven, looking up in time to realize could either hit the lit-and-actively-barbecuing grill in the driveway, or my then-aged-four brother, standing solemnly beside it. I took out the grill, making the right choice, I suppose, but totally charring some meats in the process. Like, my forearms.

Speaking of forearms. Did you catch my totally ass-whompingly sweet new tattoo? Yeah.)

So anyway, I read all the time. I'm late for everything because that totally riveted by, like, that article on What Colour Toenail Polish You Are Supposed to Wear This Summer (myself and my pasty ilk are supposedly meant to wear a florid, nukular tangerine, although the likelihood of my talons' being painted and pretty is right up there with the likelihood that Rumsfeld will be kickin' it in a Catholic confessional booth any time soon). It's retarded. I have to read everything. So and but anyway I was in the shower this morning, reading the back of the shampoo bottle (they have the highest regular rate of grammatical errors of any national product, too, i've found), and anyhow the contents start off all:

Ingredients: Water (Aqua), Sodium Laureth Sulfate...

Is there any other ingredient that is paraphrased with some kind of weird pan-Latin nominative? Seriously! Does my canister of Morton's say all, "Contains: Salt (Sodia Chloridum)"? NO! Does potting soil contain "Dirt (Terra)"? The hell? Okay, first off, not to be all patrio-tarded and "Everyone should speak AMURICUN!" and shit, but who, living here, doesn't know what the word "water" means?! Hi, it's one of the primary elements for LIVING BEINGS. Shit, i know how to say water in like 15 languages. I'm an exceptional super-genius, but you catch my drift. Second thing: the parenthetical notation "(Aqua)" also almost implies the state of the water--as though, if you have any questions as to whether your herbal-unguent-whatever contains liquid, steam, or ice, the dainty notation of "aqua" means you can rest assured that you, idiot consumer, won't have to wash your hair with a solid or a gas today--no, you get Aqua! The liquid form of water! Now with 55% more viscosity! Christ on a cracker!! clm.

*With regards to which, what is up with that? It's bothered me for literal years. Being PSYCHOTIC is not something to brag about via reflective hologram stickers pasted on the back of your angry pickup truck, next to the Calvin Pissing and/or Praying decals. Also, have you seen that special yobbo on the highway with a Calvin Pissing sticker of his own car's make?! Like, a Ford truck with a Calvin pissing on the Ford logo? I'm a Ford driver and they're crap, yeah, but I think that person was less into ironic statements of self-reprimand and more like "Waaaal, look here! This one gots the same logo what thuh TRUCK do! Durn!" Urgh.