3:02 pm | 17 March 2003 | ...Or Not

"I heard you went on "Am I Hot?" and Rachel Hunter said you had fatty thighs and Lorenzo Lamas found stretch marks with his laser-pointer and that other guy [Randolph Duke] said you had flapjack titties and gave you a 2.3 for sex appeal because of bulbous cameltoes."
-Gregor Samsa

I want to have a television show called Am I Bot or Not? where you, the viewer, vote on whether or not the contestants (both celebrities* and non-celebrities**) are, in fact, robots, for better or worse. For example, Robbie Williams. No, i know. No, really, i do. Shut up.

I, too, was once convinced that he was a robot, but then he covered "We Are the Champions" for the soundtrack of A Knight's Tale, that weirdly crappy anachronistic medieval flick, and shot a video that was an extra on the DVD, and though he was doing some kind of faux-period-costume-Dark-Ages-Bowie thing, his preturnaturally arrogant I-am-the-lord-of-the-fiefdom 'tude worked in that situation. (I only saw that film, and that video, because i was subtitling at the time, and i had to, so don't send me any "Gah, fuck you, i can't believe you saw A Knight's Tale blllllaaagggg" emails. Also: Yes, i know Robbie was in Take That. Yes, in fact, my first shitty boyfriend serenaded me with their non-hit "Back for Good" in my mom's basement once. Yes, i know. No, wait, shut up.) So anyway: Robbie Williams: Not a 'bot. Then we can execute him anyway, or whatever. Flapjack-tittiedly yours, clm.

** e.g. this weird Keith guy at work, who once enquired about the size of my dog's poops. The fuck?