3:17 pm | 12 November 2003 | enlist!

Okay. First off, you like the new look? Well get your fill, because it'll only be up while I am doing my freaky road-travel thing (I know i am technically not driving yet, but I am impatient). What the hell am I talking about, you ask? If you haven't been following along at home, here's the haps.

1. I leave for Long Beach on Sunday. I know. WTF.

2. I am totally packed and prepared, mentally and emotionally, for my trip. NOT. If you don't know me by now, you will never ever ever know me. Woooooh.

3. I met ZP in the flesh last night! Phenomenal! I was drunk and had just eaten a peanut-butter cookie (thanks Ralphie)! Alluring! She kicks a lot of ass! I was so excited! Yeep!

4. Everything else sucks. Also, I have cramps. Thank you.

5. This morning, Captain White Girl (that's me) got suckered by a classic scam, the lady-with-a-baby-and-car-broken-down-on-the-highway-ramp scam. I am all nice, pulling over. The baby's nose has a thick gobbet of snot dangling from it. The lady, weirdly, says "I'll give you my grandma's CD player if you'll give us gas money" (actually phonetically more like "I gib yuh my granmuhuz seedy playa if you gib me some dollas." I am sorry but it is true). I have no cash. I'm like, "Do you need to use my phone?" She says she has one, she just needs cash. Then I realize there is a dude totally sitting in the (ostensibly gas-less) car while this yellow-eyed lady drags a dinky, snot-emitting baby with her ON THE CONGRESS PARKWAY OFF-RAMP, this shitty, dangerous, super-fast S-curve, and I am like, what the feezy, dude. So as I drive off I call 911 to get them some help. And then I learn/figure out that it is a scam. Which, duh. But I am from this smallish town where people stop and help each other push their cars out of snowbanks and whatnot, so I didn't even think about it. Idiota!

6. I have not previously been one of those sleep-hugging-a-pillow persons, but lately I have discovered that, therapeutic reasons aside, HOOOOLY SHIT does it ever toast up the bed! I am for serious! I am usually freezing, hunched into a pathetic, shrimpily fetal wad under the covers (and I mean totally--we are talking head under the blanket*, the whole bit), but now that I have stumbled upon the amazing thermal properties of BEING ENCASED IN PURE DOWN, the pillow-to-torso internal conduction is just a hot cherry plopped on my crap sundae. I don't have any idea where I'm going with this, either.

7. 'Member Only Dancing? You know that dude, in the story? Yeah? Well, I found 'im. Ding!

8. D'you live in Texas? Like, Austin or San Antonio? Yeah? Well, I am doing a tour there--San An on Tuesday, Austin on Wednesday. Check it out. Be cool, like ZP. I will try not to breathe peanut butter on you, although I make no promises.

9. Um, was somebody gonna bring me some Thai food, or what? I forgot to eat today (except for one more cookie) and I want Thai. NOW!

10. Cramps! Ow! Whimper!

*This goes back to my childhood, where I would hide from monsters, etc. that way, but I couldn't breathe well, so I would poke just my lips out of the blanket, figuring they'd still be less likely to see just a pair of lips than my whole head. I know.