2:27 pm | 08 September 2003 | VIVA LA TAPE WIZARD

OH MY GOD HOW COULD I HAVE NEGLECTED
TO NOTE THIS ALL-IMPORTANT FACT

This weekend, the Tape Wizard--yes, my wee wittle baby sister--turned TWENTY, which, while a crappy year away from legal boozing, is still a mighty and venerable year. HOORAY! Oh, hooray.

Tricia: you rock harder than a secret pirate ninja Andrew W.K. with G.G. Allin's arm grafted onto his body and a hook on the other hand, who is also
a) drinking a cold one
b) driving a LeBaron with "Diamond" Dave and Legolas in the backseat
c) wailing on a guitar
d) running over Lonny, our waiter from the Olive Garden.

Wee baby sister, I SALUTE YOU, and in tribute, i would like to share some of my TOP 10 FAVOURITE FUNNIEST TAPE WIZARD QUOTES OF 2003. Here goes:

1. [On Jonathan Rhys-Meyers]: "And he's Irish. Excuse enough for me to do him. I'm gonna do him. I can do whomever I want."

2. [On telephone, during party:] "Hello? Hello? Hi! Is this my SISTER?" [pause] "It IS! It IS my sister! I'm waaaaasted!"

3. [On Why Men Adjust Their Crotches]: "If you ask me, maybe the dude just has big junk. It happens."

4. The conversation she had with our folks in the middle of this entry. Still sad I missed that one.

5. [On the writer's process]: "Well thanks. There's room for improvement, but i'm too lazy to fix anything."

6. [From an article about the bathrooms at work]: "Universal Forest Products, the Corporate Headquarters, fully endorses the relief of your poop gut in one of its many restrooms, which, might I add, come fully equipped with proper ventilation systems and a variety of air fresheners to disguise your shameful calling card."

7. [Proving political correctness is for assholes]: "But here's the real bad one. Yesterday, a retarded kid at FHN high was so nervous about school and the whole situation he crapped his pants 8 times! EIGHT TIMES!!!!!! It took EIGHT TIMES to send the kid home!!!!! I feel so bad, but i can't help but also laugh! mom did the same thing! It's like, this kid is not ready for this situation! Get him out of there! But no, let's change his pants EIGHT TIMES!! I didn't believe that number, but it's true. EIGHT."

8. [Non-standard yet musical Christmas greetings]: "Joy to the ass, it jiggles happily/Let butts in the world be merry/Let toilets feel the pleasure/Of bootys round in measure/Let panties and boxers sing/Let thongs and briefs feel glee/Let asssssssssss flaps be fancy free!"

9. [On Nelly video concepts]: "I think that also there should be gratuitous shots of ranges firing up in big flames intertwined with shots of hot black booty, which symbolizes that the butts are hott and it makes fire. OWWWWWW."

10. [And, finally, just generally angry about something:] "DUDE YOU"RE GOING TO MOTHER FUCKING GET IT."

I neglected to grab embarassing and/or hilarious shots of her this morning (although one black-and-white number i got yesterday is stunning in its ironic, sidesplitting emo-victimhood), so have this cavalcade of wood until further notice.

happy birthday, little homie. i love you.