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3:21 pm | 08 August 2003 | apricot wensleydale: c-c-camel bulge

I don�t know how Claudia keeps up. After two entries, I am resorting to stock footage. Enjoy this excerpt from the My Imaginary Boyfriends Issue Two "Dear Girlfriend" column. And know that your fearless missing heroine le Monde is off cavorting with her honey sweet cakes today. -Apricot Wensleydale


Dear Girlfriend,
What is a male camel-toe called? My friends and I call it a camel-ball but I would like to know the appropriate name. -Pondering the Bulge

Dear Pondering the Bulge,
This is a great question, because we are in need of just the right term to describe the prevalent occurrence of, as you call it, camel-ball among many of our misguided boys. Unfortunately, what once was a phenomenon unique to ballet dancers and cowboys can now be seen all over town on some who think tight vintage pants look cool. HEY DUDES: NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR CAMEL-BALL*. WE KNOW YOU THINK IT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A BIG HOOTENANNY, BUT REALLY, NO. NO, THANK YOU. That said, I have to say that "camel-ball" is pretty damn good. Some other possibilities include:

cock and balls sandwich
nut-squish
hot dog taco
lincoln log
hoo-hoo dilly
the misguided tube sock
the testosteroni
the slamalamadingdong
hard taco supreme
the bulgenator
ding ding sling
the cat's in the cradle
the hitchhiker
the hold the mayo
the three�s-a-crowd
the Mister Miyagi
the "hi nice to meet ya"
the cheesestick
the I Dream of Weenie
the prisoner of war
the Skokie Swift
stinky twinkie
the Jar Jar
Salvation Army Sausage
the Subway Club
the Don�t Squeeze the Charmin
the whistle blower
the "Fart and the Penis Gets It"
jalapeno popper
birthday present
manwich
the baloney express
Harry & the Hendersons
shaka-dong
boiled carrot
the thumbs down
the randy snail
hammer of the gods
ceci n'est pas une pipe
the "Take me to your leader"
Ralph Crotchio
pee-wee's big adventure
pubic zirconium
sir-dicks-a-lot and his ho's
the sweaty knot
the mouse trap
the Mr. T
the Johnny Come Don�tly
fife & drum
pubius maximus
the suspicious package
Operation Ball-sackie Freedom
the Nutrageous
the dinky express
balls a blazin
chariots of fire
the "Honey, I shrunk the kids"
fly ball
the seigfried and roy
ball-istic missile
the Yoko Oh No
pig in a blanket
the embedded reporter
the in-case-you-were-wondering
mister magoo
the toppled Saddam
Italian beef
Mr. Johnson & his dirty secret
the bratwurst twist
the naughty manicotti
your nut�s worst nightmare
pocket full of kryptonite
nine ball in the side pocket
the J and silent bobs
the looking-for-love-in-all-the-wrong-places
the "I traded my cow for a sack of magic beans"
the buck stops here
the willy wonka
the hot pocket (or lean pocket)
the sacks 5th ave.
the snub nose
the "Buddy can you spare a dime"
revolution #9
the lucky seven
the get-to-know-me
the little rascal
pressed spam
caught between a cock and a hard place
the pinto
the gremlin
the farmer john
the I Can�t Believe it�s not Bigger
Aladdin�s lamp
the second-hand squeeze
the Louisiana bullfrog
the danny bone-a-ducci
the geraldo
big mac with cheese
the spaniel
the pass go and collect $200
pubes in paradise
rumble in the jungle
moons over my hammy
the monkey treat
the "Oh my God is that your dick?"
and the Baryshnikov surprise.


* The bulge is acceptable only in a handful (heh) of situations. Like David Bowie in Labyrinth.


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unless otherwise noted, all work contained herein is � claudia sherman, 2002-04.
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