3:25 pm | 03 April 2003 | QUICK GUIDE to " and '

OH MY GOD FOR THE LAST TIME.

QUOTE MARKS INDICATE either a) something having been said by another person, or that b) something is purported to be true but might not actually be. QUOTE MARKS DO NOT ADD EMPHASIS to anything. I know that they look fancy, but putting a word in quotes, such as

"SPECIAL" candy "2 for $1.00" !!

Correct:
She said he was "a total asshole."

Incorrect:
"Fresh" Fish (unless you mean the fish is not fresh--quote marks can indicate sarcasm under tenet b above).

If you can't figure out this ragingly simple rule, then please turn yourself in to the nearest Port Authority until i can harvest your organs for my own use, because you are a WASTE OF A PERFECTLY GOOD LIVER THAT I COULD BE HARDENING AS WE SPEAK.

But wait, there's more. Apostrophes, no matter what the violent downward plummet of online chat would lead you to believe, are NOT optional. Apostrophes mean (among other, more complex things with which i will not burden you at present) that THERE USED TO BE LETTERS HERE THAT ARE NOT PRESENT ANYMORE.

Check it: when you change "they are" into "they're", the apostrophe takes the place of the space and the a. It is the wedding band holding "they" and "are" together. With the conjunction of "it is", we have "it's." This rule will never fail you. Don't write "Can i use you're pen?" unless you mean "Can i use you are pen?" REMEMBER THE REPLACEMENT RULE. If you write shit like "My diary rule's! Their is no other diary better then mine!" not only will i never, ever click your stupid banner ad, but i swear to God, i'll take a bite out of your cheek and shit you out. GAAAAH! clm.