3:58 pm | 02 May 2003 | bots, mayhem, the causey way, you know

...Wherein Porkchop and i waste an afternoon discussing, in fast-flying, hyperbolic, lurid and only-semi-coherent emails, the following: alienation, robots, shopping-as-therapy, infatuation with death, robots, rats, funny websites, and...uh...robots. IT ALL COMES DOWN TO ROBOTS, FRIENDS. (Be forewarned: many exclamation points ahead. MANY.) clm.

Porkchop: what time do you plan on leaving for Rogers Park?

Claude: hm, i dunno....7:30?

Porkchop: word. I am tempted to go shopping. I want to get some music and spankin' new duds, but I should really watch my budget. sigh. Being responsible is no fun. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa

Claude: i know, i'm trying to be good too. IKEA Sunday morning!!!

Porkchop: oh yeah! I forgot. I am so there (well, if homework gets done). By the way, you can still use my computer. Data + love = a story

Claude: or dada + weeping = my questionable essay. "Every which way but loooose!!"

Porkchop: how about: HATE + LOVE = ME THE BOT

Claude: yes! a clash of both sides, trapped in a metal box! the impact of kiss and slap, fighting endlessly in a case of tin! Neer*! NEER!!!

Porkchop: coMPUtinG!!! doo-ba-doo-ba-doop (lights furiously flashing on my chest of buttons)... reciept spews out of neck (a simulated slice appropriately placed). CLAUDE + LOVE = A BLACKEYE AND A FLUTTERING HEART

Claude: that is pure poetry! oh, the swooning majesty!! behold! you are the Asahi Super Lucky Cat of my dreams, you...you...delicate ginger frill !

Porkchop: DAWGONEIT! ROBOTS DO NOT BLUSH, BUT I AM RUBBING THE BLOODY TEARS ON MY CHEEKS TO SHOW THAT I ... EMBARRASSED.. OH NO! NOT EMOTIONS! MUST BE RUNNING OUT OF STONE COLD FUEL...MUST stop the human from flowing... yoink.

Claude: not emotions! circuit override! the alarm cries BWANK! BWANK! BWANK! Red lights of tenderness flashing! NO! Flip the switch!!

Porkchop: Evil villain has stolen my cord and my arms are too stumpy to reach the switch. Who will save me now? Will your bot come to the rescue>>>> SOS!(steam pouring out of head)SOS! Waaaaaaaa

Claude: don't worry! like The Rat King of TMNT** fame, i have trained my hordes of vermin to do just the trick! Go, critters of darkness, unto the switcH!! AVAST!

Porkchop: BRILLIANCE. SHEER AND BLINDINGLY GENIUS BRILLIANCE!

Claude: that's our name don't wear it out

Porkchop: hyuck! hyuck! That's right! (cue: smack ass obnoxiously and wheel arm around to place index finger on one cheek. Make the sizzle noise). Now I am bored. I command you to make me laugh...please! No really I could really use a good gut wrenching laugh...or is it a punch in the gut I'm yearning for?

Claude: SCARYGIRL.COM !!!!

Porkchop: PING! *** I haven't even entered the site and I am morbidly depressed that I am not the genius behind this sinful beast!

Claude: the comics! (clutching face in glory and grief) THE COMICS!!!

Porkchop: I am now prepared to face death for I have seen what the light ahead is. sniff, sniff. I never knew life could be so beautiful and now I'm having severe, violent urges to chew on Play-doh. 'scuse me while i attend to the large gashes of bleeding happiness on my face...

Claude: i pardon you, my gushing, weeping dove.

Porkchop: Thank you! ugh. let's go home already!

*Generally acknowledged as being the "robot noise" in our interactions.
**Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
***Audible super-cranial lightbulb

I'm going to take a moment to briefly recommend a good and important band to you: The Causey Way. Causey was this semi-pro skater from Florida (i think?) who then started a band called The Causey Way based on the premise that he was a cult leader. They performed in all white with black armbands; the first experience i had of Causey, he stood onstage, whipped a Bible from his waistband with his right hand and a pistol from his waistband with the other, brandished them, shrieked "YOU DON'T NEED THESE!" and then flung them into the audience before he leapt to dangle from some pipes in the ceiling. This was in Detroit. I was frightened and elated.

My favourite song goes: "'Cause he's so bad, he's so bad, like a billy goat! Oh he's so bad, he's so (bleats) baa-aa-ad...And she's so perfect she's so perfect like a kitty cat! She's so purrrrfect..."

They're kind of like if Man...Or Astro-Man? hung out with Jarvis Cocker and Jon Spencer for a while, then threw in a girl singing in Spanish in the background. Oh, yeah, and Causey varies from a shrill whimper to a shrieky yelp to a near-croon. In addition, there are handclaps. In short, one of the best bands ever. Go forth. Consume. Rock.